I don't believe that there is absolute proof of God's existence this side of Jesus's return, God, who knows us all, gave us plenty of evidence of many different types and He put some of it here specifically for you. Please, please, do not give up, keep seeking. If you honestly seek with an open mind, you will find something that speaks to you, and you will be saved. It is the most important thing you can do with the little bit of time that you have been given in this existence. But you must be willing to humble yourself and submit, be willing to set aside the stumbling blocks and overcome the barriers that have been put in your way. You must be willing to admit that you don't know everything and therefore concede that God is at least a possible explanation. I know you can do it, because I did, it took many years and many false starts, but I got here. I pray that you will come too.